Jokes Bar Jokes : 2222 Bar Drinking Jokes

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Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Hans shakes his head and says, "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me. He's been to the pet shop, too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

Watch dis," Ole says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Hans watches as half way down, Ole takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Ole continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.


Hans shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sorry How about this. A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and carrying a woman on his back. How are you supposed to be a turtle? And who is that woman on your back?

short-jokes-dataset/ at master · amoudgl/short-jokes-dataset · GitHub

Here's one from the much missed RichmondCommu aka Andrew. Andrew climbs into bed one night and his beloved wife Manjit says "God your feet are cold". To which Andrew replies "You don't have to call me God in bed dearest". Last edited: 11 Apr I was in the kitchen and asked my niece for a phone book.

She laughed at me for being out of date and told me to use her phone. The spider is now dead, phone broken and one girl in tears. Messages: 6, In a pub, at the bar: Customer pointing at the "Free Wifi" sign : What's the password? Barman: You have to buy a drink first. C: Fair enough. I'll have a pint of lager. B: Foster's, Carling, or Carlsberg?

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C: Carling, please. B: Here you are. So, what's the password? B: youhavetobuyadrinkfirst All lower case, no spaces. Messages: 2, That reminds me of the pub where we asked for the password to the wifi, it was 'askatthebar'!

Works when the 'restaurant' part is in a different section of the pub! They decide it is time to have elevenses, so the Catholic Priest gets out the boat and walks across the water to the shore and gets the elevenses, before walking back across the water. The baptist minister is amazed by this, and thinks 'How holy he must be, to walk on water'.

He forgets all about this and they carry on fishing, until it comes to lunchtime. At this point, the Vicar gets out the boat and walks over the water to the shore and goes to get lunch. The minister is yet again fazed by this and thinks that they must both be very holy. When it comes to tea time, the other two start looking at the minister, as if expecting him to get out the boat and go and get tea.

He then gets out the boat and immediately sinks. The vicar and the priest help him out of the water, laughing. The minister asked them why, and the vicar replied 'If you didn't know where the stepping stones were you should have told us! An Oldie but a good'un.

Revealing the computational properties of consciousness

A Catholic Priest and an Anglican Vicar are having their weekly chat. The Vicar complains that his bike has gone missing and he suspects that one of his congregation has stolen it. The Priest sympathises. Preach a sermon on the 10 commandments especially on 'Though shall not steal' and shame them into returning the bike".

A good idea agrees the Vicar.

Next week, they meet again. The Vicar says it didn't. Now I wonder how many of you Google the 10 commandments. A drunk, with clothing awry, lipstick on his cheek, boards a bus and sits clumsily next to a priest, opens a newspaper, rustles through the pages then says "Father, what causes arthritis? The priest then says "Sorry, I came over a bit strong just now, how long have you been suffering from arthritis?

Last edited: 16 Apr Allegedly in Westminster today Messages: 7, A man and his wife have just gone to bed and are disturbed by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is standing in the pouring rain. I need a push. I'm knackered and it is pouring out!

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I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there? A young lad is rummaging in the garage and finds his Dad's welding helmet and gauntlets. He puts them on and starts pretending that he's Darth Vader.

Packing a punch

After a while, he finds an old broom handle and starts waving it around like a light sabre. He's having great fun, and starts running up and down the street still playing at being Darth Vader. Not long after, a very posh car pulls up and the driver leans out of the window and says 'Hello there, young man. Would you like to come for a ride in my car? So they're driving along, and the little boy is fascinated with the car. He's pressing the button to make the windows go up and down, switching the little courtesy lights on and off, swinging the middle armrest backwards and forwards and generally messing about.

The driver says to him 'If you do something for me, I've got a puppy that you can stroke.

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I'm not a real welder! A Yorkshireman is at the vet's. Come to see thee about mi cat. Today, I woke up hangover-free and quite happy and refreshed. Anyway- I am very happy I did it and I wanted to share some observations about my experience. I laughed harder than I usually laugh, and I was clearly giggly and arousable. I am reasonably certain that for most of the experience, I could have spoken to a sober person without them realizing I was on anything.

Time-wise, I spent the first two hours or so listening to music, looking at patterns that I had saved for just this occasion, and staring at the ceiling. From the time I re-dosed 4pm until about 7pm, I spent a lot of that time chatting online with a friend, smelling scented objects I was able to find in my house, and trying to test some hypotheses about the state I was in.

From 7pm to about pm, I danced, chatted a bit with a different friend, and tried to take some notes- but I had trouble staying on track due to my short attention span. And from pm and onwards I mostly just laid back, got sucked into a rabbit hole learning about the Unarius religion , and played chill music.

I may get something wrong- please forgive me if I botch any specific reference. But I do think that this analysis of my experience might be helpful for the project of consciousness research. That being said, here are some highlights of the thoughts and observations that I gathered from my trip:. But she also mentioned that LSD has the general effect of 1 increasing the amplitude of brain harmonics across the spectrum, and 2 increasing the amplitude of high-frequency harmonics more so than that of low-frequency harmonics. I remember that the first time I read about brain harmonics, I thought it was some kind of hippie fantasy, or like some sort of 19th century model of how the brain works e.

Atasoy quotes Tesla in her presentation. The first thing I noticed was that at the 40 minute mark, I felt an overall amplification of the energy of my consciousness. This is not only true for every sensory modality of your experience visual, sound, tactile, etc. On a low dose, or at the beginning of the come-up on a medium or large dose, all you really notice is this global amplification across the board. But then it gets more interesting. I realized yesterday that the mild background noise that I can hear in my head when things are silent kept changing as I was coming up.

At first, the noise kept slightly increasing in amplitude. I paid attention to how this happened, and I noticed that at around the 50 minute mark, I experienced perfect silence. It was like all of that background noise was gone apparently MDMA does this to people who suffer from tinnitus. But then, at around the 55 minute mark, other sounds started to appear. It was a new mixture, but the overall spectrum of frequencies was now higher than before- like a higher-pitched mixture of subtle ringings. Then, at the 1 hour mark, I heard silence again! And then another episode of ringing, but higher still- then it switched to silence again, and then it mostly stayed that way.

It felt like there were several phase-changes; it seemed like mixtures of brain harmonics can sometimes cancel each other out, but at other times they leave a residue.